FOUNDER'S NOTE

“Main hoon na”.…..    I am there for you

When you feel the need to talk to someone and you call up a friend, if you realize that they are not available or seem to be disinterested, how do you feel? Do you realize that there may be other friends who feel the same way about us at times?

 It is a privilege if someone thinks you worthy of reaching out to when they are lonely. Hence, despite your busy schedule make sure you are “there” when someone is feeling lonely or lost.

 In today’s world of social media, mass communication and AI, can we be unconditionally available to someone who is important to us and is looking for momentary hand-holding, validation, or emotional support?

Keep this in mind next time you get a call.   

How is it that a black buffalo eats green grass and produces white milk?

Why do ants walk in a line, and what do they tell each other?

Why do people fight?

Does every question HAVE to have only one answer?

Why do birds fly in a ‘V’ formation?

Develop the simple curiosity that you had as a child …… rely more on your OI (Original Intelligence) than on AI (Artificial Intelligence)

Happy New Year !

At times someone we trust or love hurts us badly.

The person may have let us down, cheated us, humiliated us or ignored us.  When outsiders do the same we are upset for some time but we recover and move on.  But if the person was (or is) very dear to us then it becomes difficult to get over, and the emotional hurt persists for a long time.

Here are some simple tips to reduce the pain and thereby become more relaxed or functional:

1. Acknowledge and Accept Your Feelings, label them
2. Practice Self-Compassion
3. Challenge Negative Thought Patterns
4. Cultivate Forgiveness
5. Spend time with those who have been good to you
6. Do Healing Activities
7. Set Boundaries in to prevent hurt in future

Don’t expect quick results.  The above have to be practiced regularly for a long time before you feel lighter.  Best of luck!

Counsellor and Life Skills Coach Dr. Ali Khwaja throws light on

Siblings at Exam time:

Blessing or Curse?

Rakshit is generally not very fond of his younger brother Rohit, but at exam time he just cannot tolerate him.  This year has been the worst – Rakshit is about to face his SSLC Board exams and Rohit, free from annual exams and studies, is all over the house, talking loudly, singing, turning up the TV volume and generally jumping around.

On the other hand Aditya feels blessed that he has a sister who is so useful at the time of exams.  She helps him prepare notes, gets him juice and snacks, and just sits with him quietly reading a novel late into the night to give him company and to ensure that he completes his revision.

In this era of increasing ‘single child’ families, it can be a blessing or a curse to have a sibling hanging around at exam time.  It can indeed be made a blessing if the student, or more so the parents, make the sibling aware and get him involved in helping the brother or sister facing exams.

If we understand child behavior and deal accordingly, exam stress can be brought down, and so also sibling rivalry on a long term basis.  Let us first review why some children, who may intrinsically love their siblings, tend to become a nuisance at exam time:

1. Most children who finish exams after the drudgery of ten months of home work, assignments, revisions and tests, find themselves suddenly with nothing useful to do.  Such children have no emotional outlets, physical or mental activities that will keep them occupied and prevent boredom.
2. Irritating or disturbing a sibling is often an act of sibling rivalry, which in turn is a subconscious means of seeking attention from parents.  When a child feels neglected in comparison to the attention being given to the sibling, he tries ways and means of getting the focus on himself – even if it is in a negative way.
3. Having gone through some amount of academic stress during the year, the free child may think that he was not given the type of importance his sibling is getting, and hence a feeling of injustice, which makes him rebellious.
4. Most children are only cautioned, warned or scolded about disturbing the studying sibling, but are not made to feel part of the process of helping him.  There is a sense of isolation when parents (and all adults in the house) keep neglecting him as though he does not exist – and the resentment can be very strong, not only in terms of disturbing or putting down his sibling, but also leading to long term sibling rivalry (“you only love Rakshit, not me.  I know I am not important to you”).
5. An elder sibling may recall that he was not given so much importance (particularly if he was a good student and parents were not unduly concerned about his academics, compared to the younger one who is now facing exams and is not putting in sufficient effort).  This may lead to looking down upon the younger one and a belief that he is manipulating the parents.

Each of the above factors needs to be taken into account when dealing with this issue.  Some of the recommended ways would include:

1. As soon as the other child has finished his academics, he should be given positive strokes for whatever efforts he has put in, and he should be encouraged to talk about his future as he moves on into the next class. A quick celebration at the end of his exams can also be a booster.
2. The free child should immediately be given a list of possible activities (not necessarily structured ones) that involve him both physically and mentally.  Look for activities that either restrict him to one place in the house, or those that can be done outdoors.
3. Take suggestions and advice from the free child about how the whole family can help the exam-facing child.  Even if the other one is too small to give any useful suggestions, just the fact that he was involved and asked to give his opinion will make him more positive.
4. Give him very small tasks (with his approval) to involve the free child in preparing a chart, sorting out books or notes.
5. Give positive strokes to the free child for being understanding and co-operative, for NOT disturbing, and for even the smallest tasks he does for his sibling – like getting him a glass of water.
6. Tell the exam-giving child in the presence of the other one how useful the other sibling is being in adjusting to the tense situation.  Also tell him that he can look for support and help from the other one when he needs something.  Whether the other child actually obliges or not, he will feel important and will not disturb or do anything unwanted.
7. Dangle a carrot by planning out some non-material rewards, a family holiday or some activity that he loves to do, after the other child’s exams are over.
8. If the free sibling is an elder one, see if he can in some way coach the younger one who is facing exams, even if it is something simple like asking random questions while holding the text book, and making the student revise.

Parents can obviously think of more and better points to add if they have understood the needs of each of their children and are agreeable to treat them individually and separately.  The above activities have to be done in a sustained way for many days before any attitudinal change can actually be brought about.  Since parents themselves tend to get stressed out when a child (particularly one who does not score well) is facing an important exam, they inadvertently do greater damage by becoming intolerant and impatient.  Each parent can be a mirror to the other and point out when wrong techniques are being used with good intentions.

Most children who disturb their siblings facing exams are only trying to seek attention to themselves.  Given a little understanding, balancing the time and affection given to both the children can go a long way in building a strong bond between them, and in nurturing a feeling of togetherness and cooperation that will be very reassuring when they move on into adult life.