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Being an avid reader, I have browsed upon the best selling books on human psychology and behavior patterns.

Wayne Dyer in his fascinating inspiring book 'Your Erroneous Zones' has written about 'Approval Seeking' and how this affects the child. The feeling of 'being valuable' is the cornerstone of the child's self esteem. This knowledge of truly being loved, being valued is much more than gold. But sincerely, the 'Self Esteem' is bolstered by the very near and dear adults.

In this context, I would like to put forth this incident, which has perturbed my so called erroneous zones....!

A teacher to a child of the 7th standard mockingly starts her dialogues "You stupid, careless fellow! How dare you, you mad head!" Why?? Just because he had playfully forgotten to attend his physics oral test rating for 5 marks!! The child innocently, already ashamed (all this is happening in the Open House Auditorium with at least 25 adults and children present) pleads forgiveness, vows that he will not repeat this, with a dull sullen face: (as if has committed a sin) Does the teacher change her facial expression? No! Not at all. She is not LISTENING. She heats up more; with burning dialogues. The child for 'Approval Seeking' tries to speak in the softest tone possible, that he had later come and searched for her in the staff room!

Wait! It's not yet over and done. Now the Home front. Imagining! The scene at home More of the bolstering of the child's feelings! The child is merely a throw ball between the School and the Home Fronts ! Yes! Of course Life continues. Now... my pause is what can we as counsellors, as humans with an understanding attitude, do? Who needs counselling? WHEN do they need? And from WHERE CAN YOU START? To help them become AWARE of the basics of LIVING LIFE...!

What is being good?

"My Mom's good"; "Hey! You're good"; " "Thank God! My daughter-in-law is quite good". We keep hearing such responses with this word "good" quite often, isn't it? What actually does "good" reveal about the person's attribute, who possesses it? An inherited quality - adopted submissiveness, a power of zero! In their interpersonal relationships, an ignorant feeling towards situation(s), though the reactions due to the situation(s) have hurt their feelings, they are not able to react, respond! OR is it the real feeling of ACCEPTANCE OF PEOPLE BEING DIFFERENT (A RESPECT for this RIGHT of the people being different)? OR IS IT THE MYTH OF LOVE?? !!


Now considering this person with this lovely tag of "goodness" - Has this attributed tag help him/her to lead a satisfied, comfortable feeling with life's situations? I would really love to record a survey with these "goody goody" people and their sincere arousal and resentment of FEELINGS.

Perhaps all "this" has erupted in my own little cozy mind because I'm in this category of "goody" people. Yes!! Over the years, my interactions with people, dealing with situations had been a burnt, a deep hurt playing in my emotions. I was stumbling with confusions. But Now! Now! Into the depth of this lovely knowledge about human "MIND AND BEHAVIOUR", I have learnt a lot, and am still learning; through interactions with people with different attitudes, morals, values, etc., Dealing with situations has created an entirely different ME!

Awareness of SELF, learning to live with others, to lead a life with the spell of contentment and happiness has to be created in all of us and naturally nurtured also.

People are all kind, all are loving, but constantly need security and love. LOVE - to give back much more than the GOOD you are getting.

Did you know that you are the thinker of your own thoughts? No one knows exactly where thoughts come from but they come from being alive. 'Thinking' about something can occur over several days or even within a passing second. Feelings follow, which is the direct result of thought. Feelings respond to a thought, how much ever time the thought takes.

'Thoughts' do not happen to us, but it is something that we do. How many of us would have really sensed that our 'thinker' of our own 'thoughts' would have been the cause of our own sufferings?

'Thoughts' are  innocently interpreted as if they were 'reality' but thoughts are merely an 'ability' that we posses. We produce our very own thoughts. Thoughts can be misunderstood, in this respect of 'reality' and 'ability' and this lack of understanding affects whom ... - 'The thinker' himself.

Now your 'thought' about a situation or a circumstance makes you frustrated. The way we think about something, and most important - the way we relate to our thinking will determine the effect of the circumstance. Only thoughts bring meaning to the circumstances. Circumstances cause the stimulation, which is itself neutral and our 'thoughts' are the 'response'. They can and will mean entirely different to different people. Isn't it true?

Our thoughts are filled with memories of our past, our upbringing, the information (stimulation) that we have accumulated throughout our lifetime. They empower us to continue to see things negatively or positively to the same situation or circumstance over and over again, relating it to our present experiences. Our beliefs (social or religious) are exactly the thoughts of past conditioning and experiences.

Now... we with out 'thought - conditioned' system do not try to sense the value in others' believes or their points of view. This stubborn 'thought makes us muddle into unprofitable arguments, feeling resentful, confused or angry at others, who don't 'see' things 'our way'. Each 'thought' is unique to itself. It is impossible for two human beings to see things precisely alike. There are no exceptions to this rule. Understanding this fact, you can virtually eliminate quarrels. When we expect to see things differently, when accept that others will do things differently, and when we understand that others will react differently, then we do to the same 'stimulus', the 'compassion' we have for ourselves and others 'rises'. When we expect otherwise, the potential for 'conflict' exist. This is the 'REAL TRUTH'

With our 'beautiful thoughts' of expectations, we are free to experience the unique essence of every person, a nice feeling and maximizing our divinity in our relationship with others.

Being different

Being different is "thinking different". That is to illuminate the inside with a different  corresponding thought. Taking the same approach, the same path, the same reactions as everybody else seems easier, that is to get along the crowd is easier than to think different and act different, I have experienced it personally.

A common reactive statement, when I'm thinking different - "Hey! Are you ok?", "Why aren't you saying something?", "You're not angry?" People can't accept me if I'm trying to pause my thought learning to respond, than to react!!

And in my counseling sessions too I have experienced this with teenagers. They indeed possess a broader sense of viewing and thinking (sometimes perverted thought too!) -  an opposite and parallel approach to their parents, grandparents, old patterns of thoughts. Teenagers are also willing to face criticism that goes with their independent thinking. But sorry,  parents, elders can't accept this attribute of their children, but conclude that their children have turned brats (naturally because of their friends!?). Parents have a feeling that their kids are god-sent, with all good conduct but are constantly being spoilt, made to cultivate all bad habits by the other friends! What an ironical thought!

Adults are concerned with how others in society perceive them, and that they would be seen as 'weird'. Many of us resist the principle of 'change' to redefine ourselves and our priorities. We, parents should try to stop justifying ourselves. We can learn to respond to our children's thinking patterns, to listen to their dreams, their aspirations, to lend, to give them the "I'm with you" touch and encourage them to experience their life their way, And indeed to enjoy the harvest of life.

Authors Of Shared Thoughts

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Leading Banjara Academy's online email counselling team of volunteer-counsellors, I realize it is not an easy task reaching out to a person one has never met, never seen, without the added advantage of gestures, eye contact, a gentle reassuring touch, tone of voice and yet providing empathy, positive strokes, making the person feel heard and understood.

With the aid of only written words, it is quite a task building trust, making people open up and share and helping them cope and feel better. So when in many instances they write back saying thank you and that they feel so much better, the feeling one gets is priceless and incomparable - knowing one has done something right, something good!

Hats off to all the volunteeer-counsellors of Banjara Academy who have been carrying on this work silently, anonymously for the last couple of years. Truly commendable! - Ali Khwaja

This website was initially conceived and designed by the late Sitaram N
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