Pain

Pain hurts. Sometimes a numb, uneasy feeling, sometimes piercing, sometimes so shattering that one can take it no more. I have experienced some amount of physical pain. It has come in the form of toothaches, stone sin the kidney, and migraine. It is difficult to say which was the most intense. I do remember that there were fleeting moments of physical pain when I wanted to jump out of the balcony.But those were just fleeting thoughts, more of a fantasy to escape from the immediate. Over a period of time my threshold level of bearing physical pain has increased considerably.

Then came emotional pain. First some bouts of dull sorrow, anguish, frustration. All bearable. A few episodes were serious enough for me to think of calling it a day. I remember long walks in the night fantasizing how nice it would be if I could just get myself ripped apart by a lorry speeding on the highway. A sense of hopelessness. Loss of motivation. Not much of a desire to improve matters. As long as I keep busy the pain recedes into the background. Perhaps into the background. Perhaps a very dull reminder here and there, just to say, "I am with you, don't forget me", but nothing to disturb work. When I have nothing to do, it becomes a constant companion. Maybe that way is why I always want to have something to do-makes me feel worthwhile, and protects me from this dear friend of mine who has become much a constant companion.

I have heard of many people saying "why me?" when they get pain. I actually think "why not me?" I keep wondering whether my pain is serving any purpose in the entire network of humanity or the universe. I hope it does, otherwise it is such a waste, It would be easier to just pack up and get out of this life instead of going o suffering- particularly when I am not looking forward to anything even if the pain reduces or goes off completely.

Sometimes the pain becomes a friend. A very troublesome friend no doubt. I start wishing that the pain should persist, keep increasing till it reaches the point of becoming unbearable, and then there has to be an end to it. If the pain cannot end by reducing, it can perhaps end by increasing beyond limits.

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